Finding Gratitude on The Other Side of Loss

For most of my life Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday. It's one of the few holidays I can reminisce about my childhood on and have fond memories, laughing, eating good fun, my whole family coming together. Because of growing up in an immigrant household, the holiday wasn't about pilgrims and Native peoples genocidedisguised as a good time, my aunts weren't in the kitchen cooking in honor of anything but the safety and wellbeing of their children. It was about blending traditions, a turkey and arroz con guandulez- side by side- it was about Dia De Gracia- a day we are grateful for family and loved ones. And empanadas.

I remember adding Thanksgiving to the list of the things I'd lost after losing Mateo. With his birthday always within a few days of the holiday, I knew that being in the spirit of giving would be overshadowed by grief. It didn't feel fair. He wasn't supposed to be born in November anyway. For the last couple of years, I have worked on being able to be present on the days surrounding his birthday and passing. To just be with however I feel. Including on Thanksgiving, a day now, where my family no longer comes together- I now make my own empanadas. I now make my own Day of Thanks.

Maybe gratitude carries more weight when you have heartbreak to contrast it against. It isn't a statement made in vain, but a testament to one's ability to come out of the other side of darkness and still be able to hold things in your heart and say, for you I give thanks.  For this I give thanks. To transform pain into gratitude is a lifelong process, one where you can touch the places that hurt and say this is where I shattered. And gratitude for surviving is what starts to bring the pieces back together.

I think gratitude means so much to me because I am amazed at my ability to still feel it. To seek it. To want to be able to make room for the many ways I am full even when my arms empty. The most heartbreaking experience of my life has brought me the most wonderful people to guide me in healing. There is room for both, acknowledging what the universe has taken and what it has given- not tit for tat but in waves. Times of grief followed by helping hands, or guiding angels, flowers in the mail and shoeboxes full of sunshine. Love continues to arrive in my life, a gentle reminder that it is possible to lose and love.  Lose and receive. Lose and give. How could I not be grateful for that?

Last week I volunteered with a couple of friends at a Women's Shelter.  Earlier that week I had been asked how I plan to take care of myself during this post election season and I responded that in times where I can't see past my pain, I ask myself to step out of myself and sit with someone else's. I try to find ways to give this time of year. My response to what was taken is to give. Not out of martyrdom, or complex, but a need to connect. To look someone else's pain in the eye and say, yes-you too, me too and for a moment be beyond it. So in hairnets and paper aprons we helped serve meals to over 200 women who would have slept outside in the coldest night I have had since moving here. But I didn't go home and say god I'm thankful for my bed, and for a warm meal. Giving isn't about inventory- check- here are all the things I have that those women didn't and so now I can feel good about life. Gratitude isn't about comparison, it's about humility. It's knowing anyone of us could be one or two life shatters away from needing a meal and a warm place to sleep.  Gratitude for me isn't about feeling better, it's about being present. That in this moments many truths prevail, the one where Mateo is missing at Thanksgiving dinner, and the one where I am loved and cared for- one truth informing the other.

I came across this list of simple ways to give back and give thanks this week and I encourage any of you that are moved to do so, to heed that calling and be present with me in thanks and giving.

Thankful for shelter: Find out how you can assist at a homeless shelter. Serve warm meals, play games with kids, donate clothing, or learn about other ways you can make a difference in your community.

Thankful for family: Help a family in need by giving your time, skills, food, or other charitable donations to local or national assistance organizations like Help Neighbors and Feeding America.  Write a letter of appreciation to someone in your family that you are thankful for — tell them why.

Thankful for food: Plant seeds in your community garden for others to enjoy. Cook a meal for a person or family in need. Drop off canned food and bottled water at local food drives.

Thankful for health: Volunteer at your local hospital. Inquire about donating blood to people in need.  Take a friend or family member out for a hike or walk around the park.

Thankful for a job: Share your job skills with others. Help someone write a resume.  Donate your work clothes to someone in need via Dress for Success. (via freepeople blog)

                       

Life's building blocks and the mystery of what comes next

"Remember being a kid? We danced with all we have. We wore Superman outfits to the grocery store. As children we are closer in time to the Creator."- Kevin Kling

A friend recently suggested that I build an altar in honor of my inner child. That I should think through what some of my favorite things from when I was a kid were, things I loved to do, eat, play with and dedicate a space to awakening this child inside. I told her that coming from such a hectic childhood, looking back and spending time with that version of me would be hard and triggering and heartbreaking, to which she calmly replied- all the more reason to. 

There is something about the versions of ourselves we leave behind in order to survive, to thrive, to move forward that makes it hard for me to look back. I am not in the practice of looking back, or even within, because when survival is at stake, the only option has been to look forward. To what comes next. 

And so now I am standing on the brink of next and being challenged to look back on the last couple of years of grad school before I move forward. If I were to build an altar for my grad school experience, it would have pictures with friends, memories of Sunday Fundays, one of Gracie's collars to signify her companionship throughout. Maybe a little heart and x for all my online swiping dating that didn't work out. There would be a takeout menu for dumpling and noodle, maybe a little globe with a pin in the places I got to travel to. Memories of the people who came to visit me, not just New York but those who came for me to give me friendship. The art project I created for the coming home project which has the lyric from Mumford and Sons that has played in my mind throughout these last few years "get over your hill and see what you find there with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair". It would have a bottle of wine, red, probably Italian. Maybe my hiking shoes, for all the places I explored and the many walks I have gone on. Some books, a picture of The Read podcast and my monthly bill for my Netflix subscription, my forms of entertainment on many lonely snow days. And then maybe my graduation tassel to symbolize my feeling of accomplishment. Why I was here. This is why I was here.

One of the hardest mindsets for me to shift out of is the one or the other belief system. That grad school could happen because my life with Mateo didn't. I know single mothers do it all of the time, but I don't think any of them would deny how hard that must be. And I don't know if I would have. Could have. Or if it even would have felt like a priority anymore. Either way, I was able to and it feels like a life trade off for his not being here. And well, I might just have to come to peace with that someday. That life builds on itself and opportunities are born out of circumstances. I think of the handful of people I personally know that have financial security currently in their lives because a parent passed away. Life building on itself. None of us having the choice of making a trade off. Take back your money, give me my parent. Take back your degree give me my son. Take back the trade off that will never ever feel worth the loss. But when I shift out of thinking about it as a trade off, and rather as life building on itself it is easier to accept what comes next. 

I don't know what comes next just yet. Purpose, I hope. Love, I hope. Health, I hope. Financial security, I hope. Feeling rooted and grounded somewhere, I hope. Home, I hope. At peace, I hope. Wise, I hope. All of the things- I hope. And being able to have hope for what comes next after what has come before for me, that's proof that life continues to build on itself.

May Intention: Surrender, Trust,& Blossom

                                 "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud 
                             was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

The month of May is a big transition month for me, finalizing my capstone, graduate studies, and preparing to move. It is also Mother's Day this month which comes with its own set of triggers for me that I tend to have to manage for a couple of weeks every May. It is easy to have health and nutrition take a backseat to long nights of writing papers and grief days. I've been bracing myself for this month and was pleasantly surprised and inspired when I opened up an email this morning with this May mantra- Surrender, Trust and Blossom. This could not be more fitting for me during this transition phase, to surrender my student identities, to the grief that needs attention, the life I've cultivated in New York. A time to trust, that I will find a post graduation job, that I will be okay. And a time to blossom. To truly allow myself to blossom with grace this month. How kind of the universe to provide a mantra just in time <3

I've Got the Joy, Joy, Joy...

My therapist once asked me about joy, and what were the times, places and spaces not surrounding food that I could identify it in my life. In nature, browsing through a bookstore, an afternoon spent laughing with friends- I named the few that I could think of. But it wasn't easy, and a much shorter list than if I had been asked to name the foods I love, or the times surrounding food that bring my joy. Thai iced tea, guacamole, birthday cake. It is much easier to get takeout after a long day with a comfort food, guaranteed to satisfy my tummy and easily recognizable to my brain. There isn't always time for a walk in the woods or friends around to laugh with. But the need for levity, comfort and joy are just the same. So I've been exploring identifying small moments of joy throughout my day. The way my skin feels during a hot shower at the end a long work day, when Gracie wants to cuddle, when the sun is out and I can write in the grass in Spring. My hope is that the practice of identifying small moments of joy leads to replacing food as a main source for tapping into this feeling. I also hope that it allows me to be the type of person who is aware and present enough in her life to know that there is joy all around.

Reflections on Easter: Paper Crowns and the Possibility of Rebirth

Easter is a holiday that truly speaks to me. I am sure that it helps that I have fond memories of the holiday from my childhood- little Ana in frilly dresses bouncing around with her candy filled basket. We always went to church in the morning and then came home to a big family dinner. I love that I grew up with tradition and faith and family as the cornerstones of this day. Now, in my adult life, Easter takes a different form, as I am no longer religious and currently not surrounded by biological family-but rather the kind you create. And yet despite my separation from Christian or religious dogma, I feel more connected to the deeper symbolism and significance that Easter brings than ever. I hear the message of rebirth loud an clear. A time to wake up from the winter, from the cold, from the sleep. It is a time for rejuvenation, it is our turn to sprout with the flowers. Spring brings so much more than the pollen that dishevels our senses, it is the earth reminding us that all things ebb and flow, give way to rebirth. This, Easter, is your rebirth. If this holiday is marked by religious significance through the resurrection of Christ for you, or if like me, Easter lives in you through a different lens- what a beautiful message of sacrifice and what a magnificent example set for all to follow- walk in the faith of rebirth and allow it to manifest in your life with each passing Easter. Each year. Each month. Each week. Each day. Every moment your soul moves you to let it go and return with a kinder heart and a wiser mind.  This Easter was spent with paper crowns, fruit salads, baby snuggles and great friends. The kind that give you room to fall and rise time and time again.

Today also marks my 27th day on Whole 30. I stuck with it as faithfully as anyone not living in an underground bunker could. Now I get to think about what comes next. What does incorporating some of these foods back into my life look like? I am feeling through not just what does this spring season look like with nutrition but also with mental and spiritual health. What does my 2016 rebirth look like? I have been reading these two great books for inspiration, recipes and motivation as I sprout into spring!

                                                  

Whole 30 and that Self Care Thug Life

I am halfway through my commitment to Whole 30 this week.

 After having had a couple of weeks where I was really struggling with digestive issues and emotional eating, a friend told me about Whole 30 and I told her maybe I'd try it some day when I could afford the book. About a week later a package arrived at my door, my very own big hardcover edition as a gift from my friend. Now that I was out of excuses, I decided to give it a try and boy has it been an interesting two weeks. For the most part it's an elimination program, you take out most of the foods that usually have negative effects on the body and after 30 day you reintroduce the ones you want but with a heightened awareness of how it affects your body and mood. The meal plan eliminates sugar, dairy, carbs, gluten, grains and beans and really focuses on fresh fruit, vegetables and proteins. So far I have managed to stay as faithful to it as a person who lives in the real world can, but I have held on since once of the guidelines for Whole 30 is that if you eat something on the elimination list, you have to start the program again from day one. And I just can't go back there. I have found that my skin is better, and my mood is lighter, and overall I feel good. I'm not tired as much or too stuffed after a meal, it is interesting to recognize how good I feel most of the day. It has required a lot of meal prepping and planning, but I'm grateful for the heightened level of consciousness as to what I'm eating and when I'm eating and most importantly- why I'm eating. One of the reasons I wanted to do it this month is because this is the kickoff of my capstone workshops. I knew going into doing this work that the potential for emotional triggers were a guarantee, but I didn't want food to be my choice for coping. I also didn't want to add the side effects of sugar and carbs, the food comas, and the emotional highs and lows connected to the food I eat on top of this triggering time. I wanted to go into this as balanced as I could, and honestly I think it is helping. I am trying to identify which of my new learned recipes and positive food habits become part of my routine after my 30 days are up. I don't expect to live a life where I never have another soda or bread or heaven forbid ice cream, but it's been good to see how little I need it or even miss it when I don't have it. While Whole 30 is NOT a diet plan, I expected to lose some weight and while I have lost a couple of pounds it has not been a drastic change. I found myself stressing out about this, why hasn't my body reacted to the healthier changes I am making by losing weight? Iam constantly  asking my body to reward me with weight loss while ignoring the other ways it is serving me. Why isn't clearer and brighter skin enough? Why is the only measure of health or success tied to the scale? Whole 30 asks that you don't weigh yourself during the program, maybe so you are pleasantly surprised at the end or maybe so your focus is on the actual goal of listening to your body, and not asking of it. I've been shifting my thinking about weight and leaning on healing and I've incorporated a couple of self care things I am really into these days

I bought myself this really fun fitness journal called Fit Happens where I track my physical activity, jot daily body gratitude statement and doodle about what inspires me towards health and fitness as I define it!

This book came highly recommended to me by a woman who is a shaker and a doer in her community. It's an every day for people who care for other people. And well who doesn't have people they they take care of one way or another? In order for me to show up as a daughter, sister, friend, mother, student and all the other identities I occupy in spaces, I need to always be sure I am taking care of myself first <3 

I'm also making sure to find little ways to relax and care for myself, since I'm not turning to food. Aeromatherapy has been a great way to shift from anxious behavior that previously would have resulted in standing in my kitchen raiding my fridge. I've now added incense and shower bombs to my arsenal of smell good things that make me feel good!

And what am I doing with all the money in saving from not eating out as much? Not that it's a whole lot, because groceries are expensive people! But from the bit I am saving, I'm making it a point to treat myself to funky fun things- like this new pouch I'll now be using as a wallet. Cause you know, shopping. 

I'm Talking To The Girl In The Mirror

I was recently asked to describe the way I see I myself, to name the labels and attributes that I recognize about myself. I created a short list but found that I had a harder time than I thought I would have expected at being asked to examine how I see myself in this world. After I got home, I realized that I had not used any health related words in my description- I did not see myself as healthy or health conscious and since then I have spent some thinking about what that looks like for me. I don't have a dream weight number or an ideal dress size, my health goals aren't tied to numbers but rather this ideal way of feeling about myself. Some days it feels like it might be easier to aim for a number than self love, since the latter is an evolving life long journey. 

My health goals are connected to learning to listen to my body's needs. To be active when my body needs a challenge and to slow down when it tells me today is a rest day. To eat foods that give me energy, help me maintain a fitting sleep cycle, and boost my immune system. Health feels like balance to me. A shedding of the guilt and shame surrounding certain foods- what would my life look like if I allowed myself to enjoy food in the moment and after eating them? I heard about a study today that pointed to the psychological effects of finding pleasure in foods. When people eat food and enjoy it, their bodies digest the food with more efficiency and get more nutrients from them. I am taking small steps towards these goals and being patient and kind with myself as I figure it out.

I spent this past weekend in Orlando visiting my family, it was a quick trip but much needed. One of the things I truly struggle with before any trip home is wether or not I have gained weight since my last trip home. One of the first things, if not the first thing people will say to me who haven't seen me in months, will be regarding my weight and they say it in one of two ways. They either compliment me on my weight loss, or ask me how I am doing. It's either "Wow, you look great" or "How is school going?" I got asked a lot of questions about New York's weather on this trip. I will usually build up weight anxiety leading up to a trip home, sometimes considering canceling. I am sure anyone who has avoided a class reunion or a family get together or any other social event due to their weight can relate. How would it feel to go through life never wondering what people are thinking, and what people will comment about your size? I have to force myself to push past the discomfort and get on the plane and go home to Orlando. And when I am there, I am happy and loved and grateful to have come but always keeping mental inventory- no one told me I look nice on this trip, compliments are for those who lose weight. I decided to work on shifting that perspective on this trip and find ways to be engaged and grateful about conversations not related to weight. Thank you for asking about how I am liking New York, yes the weather is the worst, my program is coming along, I am excited about graduation! When we can't talk about my weight loss, people talk to me about all these other pieces of me, and while the silence around my appearance sends one message, so does the curiosity around my capstone, or graduation, or what moving home might look like. 

My trip, short but lovely was a nice break. I laid in the sun and took in the breeze. I am however grateful to be back, and to get back to my routine. Traveling is hard on my stomach and digestion and I am looking forward to grocery shopping and cooking. I am penciling in time for yoga and exercise classes and rest days. I have no trips planned in March and so I am looking forward to a month of getting to focus on taking care of me, body, spirit and mind.