A friend recently suggested that I build an altar in honor of my inner child. That I should think through what some of my favorite things from when I was a kid were, things I loved to do, eat, play with and dedicate a space to awakening this child inside. I told her that coming from such a hectic childhood, looking back and spending time with that version of me would be hard and triggering and heartbreaking, to which she calmly replied- all the more reason to.
There is something about the versions of ourselves we leave behind in order to survive, to thrive, to move forward that makes it hard for me to look back. I am not in the practice of looking back, or even within, because when survival is at stake, the only option has been to look forward. To what comes next.
And so now I am standing on the brink of next and being challenged to look back on the last couple of years of grad school before I move forward. If I were to build an altar for my grad school experience, it would have pictures with friends, memories of Sunday Fundays, one of Gracie's collars to signify her companionship throughout. Maybe a little heart and x for all my online swiping dating that didn't work out. There would be a takeout menu for dumpling and noodle, maybe a little globe with a pin in the places I got to travel to. Memories of the people who came to visit me, not just New York but those who came for me to give me friendship. The art project I created for the coming home project which has the lyric from Mumford and Sons that has played in my mind throughout these last few years "get over your hill and see what you find there with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair". It would have a bottle of wine, red, probably Italian. Maybe my hiking shoes, for all the places I explored and the many walks I have gone on. Some books, a picture of The Read podcast and my monthly bill for my Netflix subscription, my forms of entertainment on many lonely snow days. And then maybe my graduation tassel to symbolize my feeling of accomplishment. Why I was here. This is why I was here.
One of the hardest mindsets for me to shift out of is the one or the other belief system. That grad school could happen because my life with Mateo didn't. I know single mothers do it all of the time, but I don't think any of them would deny how hard that must be. And I don't know if I would have. Could have. Or if it even would have felt like a priority anymore. Either way, I was able to and it feels like a life trade off for his not being here. And well, I might just have to come to peace with that someday. That life builds on itself and opportunities are born out of circumstances. I think of the handful of people I personally know that have financial security currently in their lives because a parent passed away. Life building on itself. None of us having the choice of making a trade off. Take back your money, give me my parent. Take back your degree give me my son. Take back the trade off that will never ever feel worth the loss. But when I shift out of thinking about it as a trade off, and rather as life building on itself it is easier to accept what comes next.
I don't know what comes next just yet. Purpose, I hope. Love, I hope. Health, I hope. Financial security, I hope. Feeling rooted and grounded somewhere, I hope. Home, I hope. At peace, I hope. Wise, I hope. All of the things- I hope. And being able to have hope for what comes next after what has come before for me, that's proof that life continues to build on itself.
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