I was recently asked to describe the way I see I myself, to name the labels and attributes that I recognize about myself. I created a short list but found that I had a harder time than I thought I would have expected at being asked to examine how I see myself in this world. After I got home, I realized that I had not used any health related words in my description- I did not see myself as healthy or health conscious and since then I have spent some thinking about what that looks like for me. I don't have a dream weight number or an ideal dress size, my health goals aren't tied to numbers but rather this ideal way of feeling about myself. Some days it feels like it might be easier to aim for a number than self love, since the latter is an evolving life long journey.
My health goals are connected to learning to listen to my body's needs. To be active when my body needs a challenge and to slow down when it tells me today is a rest day. To eat foods that give me energy, help me maintain a fitting sleep cycle, and boost my immune system. Health feels like balance to me. A shedding of the guilt and shame surrounding certain foods- what would my life look like if I allowed myself to enjoy food in the moment and after eating them? I heard about a study today that pointed to the psychological effects of finding pleasure in foods. When people eat food and enjoy it, their bodies digest the food with more efficiency and get more nutrients from them. I am taking small steps towards these goals and being patient and kind with myself as I figure it out.
I spent this past weekend in Orlando visiting my family, it was a quick trip but much needed. One of the things I truly struggle with before any trip home is wether or not I have gained weight since my last trip home. One of the first things, if not the first thing people will say to me who haven't seen me in months, will be regarding my weight and they say it in one of two ways. They either compliment me on my weight loss, or ask me how I am doing. It's either "Wow, you look great" or "How is school going?" I got asked a lot of questions about New York's weather on this trip. I will usually build up weight anxiety leading up to a trip home, sometimes considering canceling. I am sure anyone who has avoided a class reunion or a family get together or any other social event due to their weight can relate. How would it feel to go through life never wondering what people are thinking, and what people will comment about your size? I have to force myself to push past the discomfort and get on the plane and go home to Orlando. And when I am there, I am happy and loved and grateful to have come but always keeping mental inventory- no one told me I look nice on this trip, compliments are for those who lose weight. I decided to work on shifting that perspective on this trip and find ways to be engaged and grateful about conversations not related to weight. Thank you for asking about how I am liking New York, yes the weather is the worst, my program is coming along, I am excited about graduation! When we can't talk about my weight loss, people talk to me about all these other pieces of me, and while the silence around my appearance sends one message, so does the curiosity around my capstone, or graduation, or what moving home might look like.
My trip, short but lovely was a nice break. I laid in the sun and took in the breeze. I am however grateful to be back, and to get back to my routine. Traveling is hard on my stomach and digestion and I am looking forward to grocery shopping and cooking. I am penciling in time for yoga and exercise classes and rest days. I have no trips planned in March and so I am looking forward to a month of getting to focus on taking care of me, body, spirit and mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment